Funny Gmail ad correlations

AKA "I have not done any fucking studying whatsoever and I hate myself."

New blog! On the downside, also going to fuckingepicfail chem and bio. omg. I think I'll blog about those nasty subjects after I fail the finals.
Anyway, Gmail ads creep me out. They're always eeriely related to what's in my email. Does anyone else notice that? Haha, but sometimes they're just strange. Some of my favorites in the last week or so:
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1.) Email: Marie Chang also commented on her video
Ad: www.ThePinkBra.com - Beautiful European Styling Large Cup Size Bras on Sale

What disturbs me is not so much that gmail was slightly presumptuous (and gratuitous, haha I kid :]) about Paco's bra size or that they got all that out of Paco's comment (which was just, no lie, "....."), but that they assume that Paco wears bras. (:

2.) Email: Vinodh Venkataraman wrote on your wall
Ad: Call India for Cheap - No Contracts, No Monthly Fees!

... I think this one speaks for itself.

3.) Email (to self): "dear self, I hate you. no love, self."
Ad: Who Has a Crush on You? Calculate their Exact Name. Its Scary How Accurate this Is!

This is just confusing to me. if someone’s sending herself hate emails... chances are she's not in a very good mood. Sending her a fake crush calculator could go two ways -- one, girl with no self-confidence would go, 'Gee, I don't even like myself right now. Who else would? BS.' and ignore it, which defeats the purpose of the ad; or two, go, 'Aw, someone has a crush on me? I knew my day would get better! Yay, someone loves me!', click on it, and end up either having to pay for spam for the next two years or finding out no one loves her, thus causing her to slit her wrists and die. See, gmail?? Your lame ads can end in death!!!!!

More importantly, how can you "calculate" a name? Fools.

4.) Email: DPS Crime Advisory
Ad: Is Colon Cleanse A Scam? Don't Get Scammed. You Must Read These Colon Cleansing Reviews Now!

Ok, this correlation was semi-legit since the email was about a checking scam going around in the SC area (along with GI viruses, herpes, and rampant robbery), but what I found funny about it was the urgency in the ad. "you MUST read these reviews now!!" Honestly, a.) I did not even know what a colon was until, like, now; b.) I did not know you could clean a colon; c.) why would anyone outside people with dirty colon problems bother to go out and get it cleaned anyway; and d.) assuming you knew what a colon was, that you knew it could be cleaned, AND that you JUST had it cleaned recently, what are the chances you're going to be like, "Well shit, I better go look at what people who also just recently cleaned their colons and then decided to write a review on it on the Internet have to say... ASAP!"
So basically, this ad applies to about 0.0003% of gmail users, rendering it pretty much useless.

(sidenote: So I clicked on the ad... just a heads-up, if you did NOT enjoy 2 girls, 1 cup, you will NOT enjoy these reviews. Read: ILLUSTRATED reviews. UMFUCK.)

5.) Email (to Shaun): "yeah so i don't like the song at all. haha"
Ad: Lil Wayne's IQ = 117. Can you Beat his Score? Take our 2 minute IQ test.

Okay.
a. First of all, we were talking about a Killers song. Lil Wayne... Killers…?
… besides taking “killer” in the literal sense, I don't see any potential correlation.
b. Second, I really doubt Lil Wayne has an IQ of 117, which is, according to the IQ scale, "superior intelligence." "cuz I don't write shit, I ain't got time." Mmhm, if he really had a 117 IQ, I bet he wouldn’t have come up with all the shit he did on CIII.

6.) Chat (with Christine)
Ad: You can make a lovely hat out of previously-used aluminum foil.

Thanks, schizo. I’ll let the alien overlords know.

PS. um previously-used aluminum foil is so last year.
PPS. It was a conversation about studying! Honest.

7.) Email: Marina Liu wrote on your wall:
Ad: Socially Awkward Tees - www.CottonFactory.com - $10.99ish um, yeah.

Our awkwardness is so tangible that even the computer can see it. Also, the other one that came along with a different wall post was, "You are Making a Bad Investment." So, um yeah, we can't be friends anymore. Sorry.

8.) Email: Final Exam Info: 20083_bio_120_13003
Ad: Gmail Blog - Get your Gmail stickers

… I don’t want any damn stickers. How about just not failing this fucking final, kthnx?

I don't like college.

There, I said it.

I. don't. like. college. Wheeew.

Am I the only one? I feel like an anomaly in the name of college freshmen everywhere (the same way I feel when I tell people I hate talking on the phone. Yeah, I'm a failure of a teenage girl, and I'm not sure why)... but I really...don't like college. It's just a more expensive version of high school, except without the 200 Honda Civics in the parking lot.

This mentality makes me feel like such a letdown/bubble-burster all the time. Like when I'm home, my parents' friends would come up to me with a wide, hopeful smile and eager eyes and go, "Oh, so you in college now! So big! You like USC?" And I'm always like, "Um, not really." and have to watch their face fall as they struggle to come up with an appropriate response (since they're probably so used to their other friends' teenage daughters gushing, 'Oh, I love it! College is so wonderful and brimming with endless possibilities!')

What's worse is when my soph/jun/snr friends contact me and ask, "Jess!! How's college?!" It particularly breaks my heart to answer them, especially since I've been in their shoes. I hear the desperate hope in their voices, and I remember being the exhausted IB/AP student constantly trudging through high school, encouraging myself, "I just have to make it through these 4 years, and then I'll finally be off to college!" seizing on to the elusive haven of "college" as if it were a life preserver or the light at the end of the tunnel or some other optimistic shit like that (gross). So it just really breaks my heart to have to be like... "It's ten times harder than high school, I haven't slept in 4 days, you have nothing to look forward to in the future, so how's your life?" I can practically hear their tiny shreds of optimism crash. But I've always been an advocate for not leading people on about happy endings, so I console myself with the fact that they'll thank me later for not giving them false hope about what college is going to be like. Sigh. Oh J.Men, always doing that community service, one cynical thought at a time. -thumbs up-

The main reason I don't like college is that it's hard. (There, for all those wondering where my emo-ness is stemming from. Sorry to disappoint with such a trite reason.) But yeah. I never anticipated having to pull 9 all-nighters in 2 months (4 in one week alone), getting the worst midterm grade in the class and having the teacher advertise that, living at the fcking library, and just being an overall failure in all my classes.

Plus, I also really miss high school. I keep thinking that college is just some temporary summer camp-type thing, and I'm going to wake up one day and have to drink my soy milk, drive back to Wilson with my purple Jansport, work on the paper, move from Thompson to Gombos. But I'm not! It feels so weird. There's no waking up, there's no going back. (wow, I can totally write Midtown's next hit single). But yeah. Back in high school, if I had one killer week, I'd at least be able to just get through that week and then have a while to catch my breath. Now I can barely even catch a break! Everything piles up. I can't really describe the miserable frantic feeling you get when you look at the clock and realize that you really need more hours than are left, and you're trying so hard to stay awake to use up every possible second but you keep falling asleep and you hate yourself every time you wake up and see that even more time got wasted.

So with all my college contemplating and infinite wisdom, it's official - I have figured out the secret to saving Hollywood. Ready?
send celebrities to college.
that's right, it's that simple. lure them with the prospect of college being an instant pound-shedder (I can vouch for this. Who needs diets when you're faced with greasy American food to turn your stomach and stressful classes all day?! College could make rosie o'donnell lose weight.) then at the same time, tell the celebs that in order to gain access to this "all-exclusive diet rehab center", they have take a few classes while they're there. BAM. result: educated celebrities = better hollywood. those bimbos will be happy as they're losing weight, and we'll be happy as they slowly become educated and are not flashing their body parts and getting pregnant all over our tabloid magazines.
Kill two birds with one stone. It's a win win!
Move over, Rhonda Byrne; my secret is better than yours. (and brings all the boys to the yard).

My Life at USC - a Picumentary

-wake up:
Except for chemistry lab, this is easily my least favorite part of the day. Not so much because I can't wake up. More so because every day I have to wake up at different times so I'm so busy thinking about what time class starts and which building class is in on a given day and mentally worrying about how much time to leave so I can get there on time that I don't even get to enjoy my time in bed, but instead end up feeling so anxious that I just get up.
Anna is always awake before me. This is because she has 8 am classes. Every. Single. Day. (I'm sorry. :\) TBH, I kind of like how the blurriness emphasizes how busy she is. It’s symbolic… yeah TO analysis, eat your heart out.

- get ready:
Shower: The definition of shower is quickly becoming me sitting sadly outside for about 10 minutes waiting for the water to become hot.

Brush teeth, etc: Sinks are kind of nastardos... one time there was a dead moth in one of them.

Get dressed: Since starting college, I've lost any semblance of a fashion sense. I think mainly because my mom isn't there every morning to ask me what the hell I'm wearing. (I remember one time in junior year that I got lectured for like a half hour when I tried to leave the house in a Volcom sweater over a Forever 21 dress. Is that honestly weird?) So now, without having to pass the Mom Test (which, in retrospect, probably prevented a billion fashionfail moments), I literally go to half of my classes in a sweatshirt, basketball shorts and flip-flops. Also, we have no body-length mirrors, which often leads to the top half of my body not matching the bottom. One morning, I asked Rosa if I matched that day – to which she responded, "Since when do you ever match?"
...aaaand that should probably say it all.

-off to class!

This is Herbie, my sick purple bike. Herbie's natural enemy is the beach cruiser. Not the nice normal beach cruiser, but the snooty USC-girl cutie cruiser with the white wicker basket and Paul Frank seat. They always seem to double park behind Herbie and/or park so closely to him that the wide-ass-annoying-as-hell handlebars take up all his space and I can barely yank him free. Anyway. I honestly believe that bikes are God's gift to college students. (along with Rockstars). With Herbie, I can a.) wake up on any given day 5 minutes before class and still get there in time, b.) roll into class without baking like a baked potato, and c.) get my Jamba Juice and Red Mango whenever I damn feel like it, yo. :) But at the same time, Herbie spoils me. See the building in this picture (taken from my dorm) with the red arrow?
Yeah. I bike there. (/lazy)
...
Okay, so I feel like I'm not being entirely honest with you.
You see the building with the blue arrow next to it?
… I bike there too. (/extremely lazy) x___x

- TO; core 102 and 111:

There isn't much to say about these classes except that they’re interesting, the professor and TAs are great... and that I feel like 12893x dumber than everyone in it.
Example of a normal discussion:
Student 1: "There's a saying that we have in drama: 'Never put a handgun on a wall unless you plan to shoot it.' So I feel like the final scene was necessary just in that it gives the play a sense of... -etc.-"
Student 2: "I agree. If you see in line 320, Shakespeare's use of the word 'fair' ties back to his use of the word ... -etc.-
"Me [internally, of course, seeing as I never participate]: "Shakespeare wrote this?!"

-chemistry:

This used to be my favorite class since it’s both my shortest – 50 minutes; all the more bearable – and biggest – all the more acceptable to fall asleep in without (or with, as Nick would claim) being seen. (yes, those are what I gauge my favorite class by – so?) However, this all changed when I got a 57% on my 2nd midterm. (Agh I know.) The teacher is excellent, but her subject fails so hard… Or maybe I just fail so hard at her subject.

-chemistry lab:
[Sorry, no picture here. Cameras aren’t allowed in chemistry lab. Neither are cell phones, backpacks, and my sanity, apparently.]
I can't adequately describe how much I hate chem lab, since I feel like "wanting to pour NaOH on my face" doesn't do it enough justice. I hate everything about it - from the aprons to the 3 hr-long exposure to deathly chemicals to my inability to ever understand thefuck is going on slash get higher than a 3/6 on my write-ups. Sometimes I hear the eternal weird hissing and see the cold brick walls of the chem lab rooms in my dreams. (*nightmares).

-biology:

I’m not sure what to say about this class, mostly because I don’t go to it so often that I sometimes forget it’s on my schedule. All I really know is that Joanna and I have our weekly pre-bio lunches. This used to feel a lot less anticlimactic when we actually did go to class afterwards.
But on the rare occasions that we do go to biology, I sleep and she doodles 'USC Trojans' on her notebook in about 32 different fonts.

-biology lab:

Slightly more enjoyable than chem lab. Then again, root canals may be slightly more enjoyable than chem lab so I'm not sure how legit this statement may be. At least in bio lab, we get nice cushiony swivel chairs and a pretty view of the school, as opposed to the locked-in-a-mental-asylum-feel of the chem labs. And at least in bio lab, I have a slight indication of what we're supposed to be doing, instead of blindly lighting the Bunsen burner and mixing chemicals for what feels like no apparent reason except to waste 3 hrs of my life every week (in case you missed it… I hate chem labs).

-Food:

In a nutshell… PS and EVK: the dining halls (yes, we have all of 2 options); Café 84: Jamba, Wahoo’s, The Grill, Mongolian BBQ; The Lot: Red Mango, Carl’s Jr., Baja, Wolfgang Puck, etc; Ground Zero: snooty coffee and milkshakes; off-campus: Chipotle, Starbucks, etc.

Also in a nutshell: I think I may be eating 3 years off of my life span.

-University Village:

This extremely state-of-the-art plaza is our main off-campus go-to area. (Wow, dash crazy.) It’s about 1 minute off campus, and I go about 3 times a week on average…but nonetheless, I still pretty much book every time someone starts walking remotely close to me. That should probably tell you something about UV + surrounding area. But I guess it’s kind of useful. We get sketch boba, buy Halloween decorations and birthday presents, and park our bikes with extreme caution. UCLA gets Westwood. We get Superior and Dollar Dollar. Yeah. Stay classy, UV.

So side note: I saw this at UV the other day. I took a picture of it because 1.) I thought this was fitting symbolism and 2.) … check the area code. That is all.

-TV:

Meet Bruce (right) and Wayne (left). Besides for Herbie, these are easily my two favorite things on the entire campus. This may be due to the fact that if I get the chance to be in Bruce Wayne’s presence, it probably means that I don’t have a mid [week] term to study for. In exchange for getting to use Nate and Calvin’s (Bruce Wayne’s less interesting owners) TV for Gossip Girl, ANTM, and Guitar Hero, I have to edit their essays. Calvin writes about ghost stories and Indians. Nate writes about how Shakespeare's use of the word 'fair' in line 320 ties back to his use of the word ‘youth’ in 310.

-studying

When everything’s pretty much wound down in my day (after classes, errands, meetings, dinner, wasting time buying popcorn or other shit I don’t need as an excuse to ride my bike around campus, photoboothing next door, or having mini dance parties to work up endorphins… this usually ranges from about 9 pm to 1 am), I get down to work.
And by get down to work, I usually mean type a couple of lines on a WordPad document while vidchatting, IMing, Facebooking, or YouTubing until about 2 am (the general time at which I realize how much work I have left and start panicking). I am a quality student. (and emi ito is awesome. that is all.)

I work for the next 3 to 4 hours, crash on my bed for 30 minutes, and start the day’s cycle all over again.

-go to sleep
… what’s that?

Annoying Things on Facebook

Things on Facebook that annoy me (in order of least annoying to most):

1.) When ugly people all seem to use anime characters as profile pictures.
Okay, I know I shouldn't be one to judge, since, you know, I'm not exactly Yuri Tag myself, but dudeseriously. what's the point? each time i see someone with a profile picture of some anime, all it says to me is: "Hi, I'm not attractive so I'm hiding behind this little Japanese girl with big eyes, purple hair, and an inappropriately large chest." So it's really a lose-lose situation for ugly people. Either you put an actual picture of yourself and people will see that you're ugly, or you can put a picture of an anime girl and people will universally assume that you're ugly. At least with the former, people will respect you a little bit more. (as an aside, i don't actually know anyone with an anime profile picture, so i'm not singling out anyone that you might know. it's just a general thing). Also, why does it seem like all unattractive people do this? You know, like automatically flock to anime characters for profile pics? Is it like some unspoken cult rule or is it knowledge that comes naturally to unattractive kids? Like, why anime, you know? Why not a picture of an animal/art/graphic? Must it always be anime??

2.) People who write "it's complicated" under relationship status.
In short, these people are straight-up douchebags. I just want to tell them all to a.) get real; or b.) grow a pair. They're just too much of a wimp to admit they're single, and it's almost sadly amusing how they think the rest of the world can't tell. It's not rocket science: YOU'RE SINGLE. Face it. Nothing "complicated" about that, Avril. These people may think they give other people the impression of coming off as mysterious, aloof, or filled with dramatic experiences with girls... but really? They just come off as obviously pathetic. Plus, to add to the un-legitness of this status, "complicated" can come with a huge range of interpretations. Some loser can think of that one time he waved to the girl he liked and she totally ignored him and go, "Well, I consider that complicated. Yeahhh, I'll put it's complicated. Heh. That sounds vague enough to imply that I may or may not be involved with girls and just specific enough to allow me to justify it if I'm confronted. Win!" ... In that case, I may agree with the 'it's complicated." As in something be complicated up in yo' head, dude.

3.) When people have statuses that make no fucking sense.
Okay, this may just be the anal editor in me, but statuses are not a place to write the first thing that comes to mind. well, not exactly true. to clarify, there's nothing wrong with wanting to write the first thing that comes to mind, but can people at least word it into coherent english sentences? pet peeve #1287: people that write shit like: "jane doe is my shoes hurt." (also annoying - people who "are": places, song lyrics, or shoutouts to friends.)Like everything else today, FB statuses have been designed to make the epic IntellectualFail morons that we call 'our generation''s lives easier. so facebook was kind (read: foolish) enough to dumb down status writing and try to help the nubcakes out by dropping the "is". the "is" used to force people to have to take a few seconds out of their day to find a way to word their status so that it doesn't make other peoples' eyes bleed. i liked it better back then. like, seriously, jane doe - would it kill you to just use like TWO extra brain cells and change that to "jane doe 's shoes hurt"? or (and this may be too much of an intellectual stretch for some) "jane doe has on very painful shoes"? trust me, it was even harder back in the olden days when the "is" was mandatory. jane would have to use an extra three instead of two brain cells (shock!) to come up with, "jane doe is suffering from painful shoes." but at least it would force braindead computer-fried idiots to actually think for a while instead of just vomit-typing.