second semester rocks so far...

... NOT!

it's not so much my schedule.

so i have spanish at 8 am. wtf is that shit about? i have to drag myself up at like 7:15 every other day..... to do spanish. um, i can barely comprehend english at 8 am. now i have to not only try to remember to stay concious, but i also have to, like, conjugate shit on top of that. that's bull. (sadly, i wanted to be witty there and write 'bull' in spanish. but i couldn't. i just sat there and sadly realized the limit of my espanoledge. HEE! i should patent that.)

my circus-themed TO course is okay this semester. if there's anything that can make me feel better about myself, it's learning about midgets and gangrene-infested prostitutes for 2 hours. plus, the first day of class, the teacher played creepy circus music in the background. i was like, couldn't she just have played britney's Circus album? it's significantly more upbeat, if not less creepy.

chem lab is terrible, as usual. i'm 99% certain that my lab partner hates me and thinks i'm 110 pounds worth of useless weight who fucks up the data with her mistakes. how do i know this? on the first day, he told me, "man, you fucked up the data with your mistakes." (the 1% margin of error above belongs to my uncertainty about my weight). granted, this was after i, well, fucked up the data by pouring the wrong chemicals twice, then forgetting to turn on the hot plate so we had to start over, then lost the stirring rod while he sighed, "man, we're FUBAR" in the background and rolled his eyes incessantly. what a douche. i hate chem lab. it makes me want to cry every time.

bio lab, as usual, is slightly better than chem lab. once again, i fucked up the data there too... but at least all of us fucked up a little bit together. it's all about teamwork. my partners are awesome! i already adore them all, down to the witty hapa chick to the quiet filipino girl to the stylish senior to the... witty hapa dude (no relation). but still. lab is lab is stupid is hella boring.

it's not even so much my major.

even though, you know, even i recognize that i'm going absolutely nowhere with this. despite being on the most structured program path ever, i feel so lost when i think about the future. like when i picture myself 10 years from now, i just see a big black hole. (oh gosh, i just realized a terrible possibility to that metaphor. God forbid.) but yeah, i'm not knocking pharmacy (major bank, holla), but i just cannot see myself doing that for the rest of my life! i don't know if it's because i don't even really know what exactly pharmacists do or it's because i can't even see myself passing Gen Chem, let alone see myself becoming a pharmacist. my parents and i argue about my career path every week, and i'm so tired of it. i can't stand the thought of having to argue every week for the rest of my career. i don't want to. agh, my future! ah, but let's practice optimism and live in the present. ... agh, my GPA!

sidenote: so i recently heard back from the archaeology job i applied for. the kind, not condescending at all employer emailed me back one line - "How about you contact us at the start of next semester when your GPA improves." what. the. fuckity. fuck. ouch. well, these archaeologists don't mess around, i'll give them that. and they're concise. i half expected her to sign off, "kthnxbai."

i think it's just my overpowering cynicism.

even though one of my new year's resolutions (aka shit that never gets done but just keeps reappearing on every resolutions list each year) is to stop cynical thoughts (or at least reduce them... baby steps, baby steps), this cynicism is slowly seeping deeper into my brain/heart/bloodstream. it's harder and harder to get rid of. it's like the whole deviation from the straight and narrow path that i learned at bible study (where, incidentally, i just feel more inferior than ever. i mean, lu was saved over winter break. like, how do you even top that? "well, i went snowboarding and fell on my ass a lot" just doesn't seem to measure up to "God spoke to me"). anyway, so the point was that it's getting harder and harder to get rid of cynical thoughts, and i fcking hate it. it seems totally counterintuitive, i know, but i really hate being cynical. is there like some equivalence of repenting for cynicism so i can get back on my optimistic path (rainbow brick road, if you will. har)?